We recently moved from Southern California to the East
Bay area in Northern California. Moving in general is very stressful and can
cause strong emotions (both good and bad) among family members. It ranged from
wiping away tears from my four daughters eyes while trying to figure out how to
transfer all of my son’s services from one county to another. In addition, my
husband was gone longer hours at work wrapping up his job and preparing for the
new position he accepted in Northern California. I was beginning to feel
overwhelmed trying to manage all my mommy duties while still trying to finish
my college courses. One afternoon, it all came to a head when I was manually shutting the garage door and two of my fingers got caught in between the panels of the door. After prying them out, I went into the house sobbing and ironically sat on the very spot that my son took his first step; the step we were told he would never take. Looking back now, the lesson I was being taught that day changed my perspective on how to approach life situations- one step at a time.This lesson was further solidified when my husband and I took our kids to explore the new area we moved too. There were some local hiking trails in a preserve near our home. The older kids took the dog to conquer the big hike while my husband and I found a trail that would be appropriate for Josh to walk. Within the first 25 steps, he planted himself on the side of the trail and proclaimed he was “too tired” and couldn’t walk another step. After trying to encourage him for 15 minutes to just take one step at a time, Dan ended up carrying him on his shoulders.
Twenty minutes later, we found ourselves in front of three levels of stairs. We knew these stairs would lead to a miraculous view and asked Josh if he wanted to attempt to walk up them. He took one look at the stairs and then at my husband and I and sat down on the first step. We started to cheer him on and say, “Come on buddy, you can do this!” He wasn’t budging. We then tried to make a game out of it. I walked up the first flight and Dan said, “Let’s race!” These were just the words he needed to hear. Off he went! After making it to the first landing, he began to complain that it was too hard. With more encouragement, he continued. Five minutes later, we erupted in cheers as he made it up the last step. HE DID IT! As we stood at the top of the hill, the view was stunning. We got there by taking one step at a time. It wasn’t an easy journey for my son. There were certain points, I felt sad that his struggle was so difficult. What we needed to do was to continue to encourage him and in the moments where he just couldn’t take another step, we carried him to the next point.
In marriage, the journey starts by taking one step at
a time, remembering the commitment to marriage is a fundamental principle in
overcoming obstacles. Along the way, there may be a need to seek help from others
in carrying the marriage to the next step. Ultimately, the best person would be
your spouse. Sometimes, it will take outside help from a counselor to provide your
marriage the tools to help direct you to take the next step. If you are
religious, the very person that can guide you is God himself. The goal is to continue to take one step at a
time.
When parenting special needs children, it is easy to lose sight of yourself and the relationship you have with your spouse. Diagram A is a representation of a healthy marriage relationship. Each spouse has individuality with the common goal to develop their marriage relationship. Diagram B represents what is known as the utilitarian marital structure. The marriage takes on a divide and conquer attitude. The only connection between the husband and wife is the caring for the child. Diagram C, shows a balance between developing the marriage relationship while caring for the children.
Dr. Laura Marshk and Fran Pollock Prezant, M.Ed, authors of Married with Special Needs Children, shared some basic components of a healthy marriage. The suggestions listed can help couples learn to find the balance of parenting special needs children keeping while keeping your marriage a main priority.
- Connectedness through time, affection, verbal and physical intimacy.
- Skills in communication and conflict resolution.
- Tolerance and respect for each other despite flaws
- Basic fairness in the distribution of power and responsibilities.
- Being a team and being adaptable to changing circumstances.
- Commitment to the marriage
Stay-at-Home Date Night:
Tonight is the night to develop your "WE" by retreating to the bedroom and sharing andintimate moment.
Diagram A
