Living a Charmed Married Life

Have you ever woken up in the morning and turned to your spouse and said, “We live a charmed married life!” They may have a look of confusion and surprise for such a witty comment in the early morning hours. This leads them to think, “What does a charmed married life really look like?” Let me illustrate with a perfect example.

It was a normal day in the life of a busy family. Work, school, therapy appointments and heaping piles of laundry were on the agenda. Sound familiar? With a kiss on my husband’s cheek, off he went to work. I felt confident it was going to be the best day yet. After all, I was living a charmed married life.

As I woke up all the kids for school, my 14 year complained of a stomach ache and decided to stay home. As I left her sleeping away her sickness, I put my 4 year old son in the car and took the other kids to school. After the last drop off was made, my son was BEGGING for me to buy his favorite milk. As quickly as taking a 4 year old to the store can be, we went to pick it up. Trying to avoid the heaping piles of laundry at home, I gave him the option which store he wanted to go to, and thankfully he chose the store furthest from our house. Here I was thinking it was awesome I got to put laundry off for even 30 minutes. Little did I know it would only lead to even more laundry. As I walked through the door, I literally began to understand what it means to be slouching through poop.

I heard my 14 year old frantically screaming, “Mom, the toilet! It’s overflowing. Help me! Help me! I’m so sorry.” It didn’t take long for me to realize that water was seeping through the ceiling in various places. It was the UPSTAIRS toilet. My initial reaction was to scream, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” but I knew that wasn’t going to help the situation so I quickly ran upstairs to turn the connection to the water off. I stood there looking at the mess in disbelief. My initial reaction was to call my husband and beg for him to rescue me from this nightmare. Certainly, this couldn’t be the charmed married life I was dreaming about earlier in the day! Then it hit me, as I was standing there in two inches of toilet water. This is life; my charmed married life.

Now, three weeks later, I can laugh about our experience even if the house is all torn up. On your wedding day, did you think about the difficult experiences that would stretch you beyond your limit? More than likely, you were blissfully happy at the adventures of a new life together. So, when you’re in the midst of nasty water, no matter how deep, remember that the beauty of a charmed married life are the lessons we learn as we grow together as husband and wife. Instead of asking the question, “Why do we have to experience hard things?” Ask yourselves, “What can we learn from our experiences?” Your perspective can help you one day look back and appreciate standing in poopy toilet water.

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will capture your heart….Pursue those.”

Ralph J. Flipp

                                 

                          Retreat-at-Home Date Idea: 

In honor of living a charmed married life, grab a medium sized mixing bowl and pour a box of Lucky Charms cereal in to share. Each of you will have your own spoon to eat with. While enjoying your cereal together, look on the internet for a charm bracelet to purchase. Select one that represents the eternal circle of your marriage. As you experience different growth experiences as husband and wife, purchase a charm that represents the lesson learned to place on the bracelet. This can become a symbol of your dedication and commitment to each other. Discuss possible ways to have an attitude of gratitude for each other and commit to make one change for the upcoming week that will help you focus on “living a charmed married life.”

Deeply Rooted

Journey with me as I share with you a story about a special tree.

Once upon a time, there was a doctor who opened a new dentistry practice. He was excited about what the future held for both his patients and the practice. Being that people are fearful of going to the dentist, he wanted to do everything he could to make the office inviting. In front of the building there was a section of dirt that was just the right size to plant a tree. After talking with a tree specialist at the nursery, he picked out a tree that would not only provide shade but had beautiful pink flowers. It was perfect. Eagerly, on the way home, the doctor contacted his gardener and set up a time he could come plant the tree. Cheerfully, the gardener showed up the next morning. The moment he looked at the patch of dirt, hesitation quickly came over his face. Concerned, the doctor asked if everything was okay. The gardener then proceeded to inform the doctor that the location he wanted to plant the tree wasn’t good enough. “How can that be?” replied the doctor. “It’s has just the right amount of room for the trunk.” As much as the gardener tried to explain the proper conditions for a tree to be able to firmly plant its roots, the doctor was insistent that he plant the tree and it would be just fine. The gardener understood the tree needed more space and deeper soil but he planted the tree anyway. The gardener staked the tree with some twine and a pole to provide extra support. 

A year had passed and the tree seemed to be holding strong. The dentist loved to walk past his beautiful tree each morning as was proud of his choice. He felt the time spent pruning and watering it on his lunch hour was helping the tree to be deeply rooted. It was a success! Not long after, there was a major thunderstorm that produced 3 inches of rain and lots of wind. A few weeks after the storm, the doctor noticed the tree was starting to lean to the left. With the help of his dental assistant, they staked the tree again with the hopes it would provide even more support. The recent storm eroded some of the soil so the dentist placed more around the base of the tree. 

A few months passed after staking the tree. It helped the tree from leaning further to the left but it didn’t stand as tall as it used too. One evening, the doctor was watching the news and heard the biggest storm of the season was going to hit over the next few days. Wind, rain and hail were being forecasted. The doctor wasn’t worried about his tree. He had done all he could to take care of it. Over the weekend the storm hit with a vengeance and caused damage to many areas. The doctor arrived at his office to find his precious tree had fallen down. He thought, “How could it be? I had staked, pruned and watered the tree. I did all I could do.” As he looked closer at the tree, the doctor realized the roots were very short. He then thought back to what the gardener had warned him of before planting the tree. Although, the tree looked healthy and strong on the outside, the roots didn’t firmly plant into the ground, which caused the tree to fall during the storm.

It is inevitable that every marriage relationship will hit the “storms of life.” The question is, “What have you done to deeply root your relationship to withstand the challenges?” The dentist thought he had done all he needed to do to ensure the tree would stand tall. Over time, as it began to lean, he staked it again to make it stronger. What he didn’t realize was that no matter how much he tried to stabilize the tree, the roots were not deep enough and the tree was eventually going to fall. Sometimes, watering, pruning and staking a marriage isn’t going to be enough. Steps need to be taken to deeply root the relationship so when the storms of life hit, the marriage doesn’t fall apart. 

What specific ways can a couple deeply root their marriage? 

• Make your marriage a priority. When life is busy, schedule time for each other and commit to set aside all other obligations and focus on each other. This can be difficult when caring for special needs children. It is important to try and plan ahead. 
• Find ways to serve one another
• Take turns planning a weekly date night. This can be a “retreat at home date” or a “dash into the         night date.” 
• Replace “me” with “we”
• Laugh
• Celebrate each other’s successes
• Share common goals
• Explore intimacy
• Support each other in raising the children
• Understand the true meaning of love
• Don’t be afraid of the challenges your marriage relationship will face

Retreat-at-Home Date Idea:

Plan an hour to visit a local nursery with your spouse to choose a tree that you will plant together in the backyard. Taking turns, dig a hole large enough to place the tree. Prepare the ground in a way that will give the tree the best chance for the roots to take hold. Discuss ways that each of you can contribute to caring for the tree together. Make it a priority while working together to discuss ways to deeply root your marriage. In conclusion, find a long piece of wood and paint the date on it as a reminder to your commitment to deeply root your marriage relationship and stake it in front of the tree. 

As an alternative, if you don’t have space in your backyard for a tree, locate an agency or your local city and inquire of the possibility of planting trees to help the environment. The following list are agencies that can get you started in locating where you can donate and plant a tree. Take time once a year to visit the location where the tree was planted and check on the progress and growth of the tree. 

Tree Date Idea One

Tree Date Idea Two

The Fog

On a crisp winter morning you wake up, feeling invigorated and ready to take on the world. Leisurely, breakfast is prepared and enjoyed with your spouse. With a kiss and hug good-bye, you walk out the door only to realize there is a thick fog that goes on for miles. Immediately, you begin to fear how you will accomplish the task so carefully planned the night before. Knowing your ability to stay home safely tucked under your covers isn’t an option so with trepidation, you get in your car and begin to back out of the driveway. Cautiously, with headlights on, slowly you drive down the street. The only safety you feel comes from the familiarity of the streets that would lead you to your destination. To your surprise, there were multiple accidents along the way, people not driving with their headlights, which increased your anxious feeling and wanting to just get to your destination. As you crossed the bridge that toke you to the other side of town, the sun brightly shone in your eyes and brought hope to a fearful heart. You arrived safely to your destination even though it took double the time to get there. The question arises, “How can you get to the other side of the bridge where there is no fog?”

Think back to the day your child was diagnosed with special needs. Did you feel like you were driving in thick fog as you contemplated what would come of your child? What will people think? Did I do something wrong? Maybe if I didn’t…….? Will my husband/wife blame me for their disability? How will I be able to accomplish it all? What will come of my relationship with my spouse? Much like turning on your headlights in the fog, what may seem like dim lights, often is just enough light to lead the way. Driving slow and with caution, will lengthen the journey but the goal is to see the rays of sunshine. Along the way, there will be trials where the fog seems to thicken. It is moments like this, that drawing upon the familiarity of the streets you drive will bring you added peace.

Finding ways to continue nurturing the relationship with your spouse is the ray of sunshine which peaks through the dense fog and guides you to safety. The familiarity of their arms wrapped tightly around you, with encompassing love, are like the streets you drive in the fog.  During the trials of parenting a special needs child, the marital relationship can be strained as each partner handles the situation in different ways. The responsibility of “who will do what” can easily overshadow even the most basic nurturing of the marital relationship.

The purpose of this blog is to provide little ray of sunshine ideas on how to strengthen the marriage relationship. Whether it be big or small, it is recognizing that by developing your relationship, the rays of sunshine will become brighter and brighter and lead the way, even when the fog seems heavy.

“No marriage is all sunshine, but two people can share the same umbrella if they huddle close”

-Samuel Britten